There is one other open source column based DB that might be worth looking at: Infobright Community Edition (http://www.infobright.org/) But if you want the moon on a stick, have a look at Esper, a realtime streaming database that supports the kinds of queries you mentioned in the UDF examples
If you want to look at this from a statistical point of view: the statistical interpreter R (www.r-project.org) has now on its package repository (cran.r-project.org) package 'ff', which allows fast memory-mapped access to binary vector and matrix files. Amongst the many time-series packages R has, one ('kza') started exploiting package 'ff' for large time-series. And when it comes to quickly combining filtering conditions on large vectors, package 'bit' might interest you. Jens Oehlschlägel ( author of 'ff' and 'bit' :-)